If You Don't Have A Song To Sing, You're Okay

I have a headache because I haven’t had coffee yet today.

I have a heating pad attached to my groin in hopes that this strain relieves itself by 7pm for practice. In less than a month I will know what home team I’m on. 

Biochemistry is boring. 

Not knowing about these other pharmacy schools makes me panicked. I have small heart attacks every time I check my email, which I check about once every hour I am awake, or more. 

Today I went to SYTYCD !

Waitlisted

I was wait-listed at a school in Oregon. 

Not that I was planning on really moving to Portland, it was just a fantasy of mine. The only time I could really ever justify living there is if I was in school, seeing as even as a pharmacist it would probably be difficult to get a job there. Oh well. Perhaps I can do a rotation there..

Still waiting on the NYC schools. 

Putting a deposit down tomorrow for Jefferson.

I was accepted into Jefferson School of Pharmacy.

In Philadelphia.

Hoping this means I’ll get into a New York school…

I’m sorry.

I’m trying to reflect on the poor choices I made in the last few months. I have found that the more I run away from things that I feel, the more destructive I become. The more I hurt people I care about. I fucked up many times over.

I was unhappy, I didn’t deal with it, and instead just made of mess of everything and made a bunch of decisions that were so the opposite of things that I would do in a normal mind state. This is not who I am. I became a monster. I wish I had done so many things differently. I wish I had not made assumptions or jumped to conclusions. I wish I had been better at communicating how I was really feeling, multiple times.

I didn’t mean to be cruel. I wish I had dealt with my unhappiness when it started. I wish I had had the guts at the time to say things that were in my head. I was a coward. I did everything the wrong way. And now, I must figure out how to deal with what I did. It makes me kind of not want to live with myself.  The last couple weeks I have tried to push these feelings out of my head but they don’t go away. Whenever I’m alone I feel like I’m drowning in them. 

how do I make up for the things I did? how do I move forward? How do I make amends? Can I make amends?

What can I do to be forgiven? Would I forgive myself if it were the other way around?  

I graduated. I wish you had been there with me. It was fun and happy and all don’t get me wrong, but I missed you. But your presence is not a privilege I get to have. You were everywhere in my memory around town.

Me and my derby idol held hands and skated around at jam skate. It blows my mind that I might be this persons team mate in a few weeks !